


you can hear it in the silence (you are in love)

by minyxrd_03



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Established Relationship, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Canon, very sappy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 14:48:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20931980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minyxrd_03/pseuds/minyxrd_03
Summary: "you go through the usual stages. first there's the moment you think you think it, the moment where you think you know it, the moment where you know you know it but you can't yet say it, and then there's the moment when you know you know it and you can't keep it in any longer."adam and ronan have been dating for a while and adam knows he loves ronan in the same way that he loves all of his friends, but he's worried he won't be able to tell when he's in love with ronan. he didn't expect it to be so obvious or for the realization to come to him through such mundane situations.based on a quote from the show how i met your mother





	you can hear it in the silence (you are in love)

**Author's Note:**

> i've been working on this for quite a while now and i'm really happy with how it turned out so i hope you like it, too :) i've also crafted a list of sappy love songs that you should listen to while you read this, if you feel like it:  
1\. you are in love - taylor swift (this one especially!!!!)  
2\. fallingforyou - the 1975  
3\. pancakes - lany  
4\. 18 - one direction  
5\. long way home - 5 seconds of summer  
6\. like real people do - hozier
> 
> okay hope you like it! also, completely random fun fact: i got a raven cycle tattoo a couple weeks ago and i love it more than anything

Adam Parrish did not have a lot of experience with relationships, but he was pretty sure of one thing: he did not have a normal one. They went on dates together, and they spent time together, and they did other things together; just like the average couple. But the way his relationship began did not feel normal. 

The thing was that Adam loved Ronan. He had loved Ronan for a long time, and he had loved him in the same way he loved Gansey, in the same way he loved Noah, in the same way he loved Blue. Even though Ronan could be a really difficult person to love at times, Adam loved him the same way he loved all of his friends. 

But Adam and Ronan were no longer only friends and saying he loved Ronan had become a little more complicated. Actually, Adam wasn’t sure he had ever told Ronan that he loved him; it’s not like they’d had that kind of friendship. But it was something that worried Adam a little bit. 

The transition from ‘friend’ to ‘boyfriend’ had been a natural one. There’d been a little bit of awkwardness at the beginning when sometimes Ronan would go into kiss Adam and Adam couldn’t help but laugh a little at the absurdity of it all. Good absurdity, of course, but it was a little bit weird to explain to Ronan why he was laughing at the thought of kissing him. Or when they would do something just the two of them - something they had done when their only label had been friends - and Adam was suddenly very aware of the new status on their relationship. Some things had taken some getting used to. But they’d fallen into it pretty quickly and it didn't take long for all of it to feel normal. Like this was what they should have been doing this whole time. And it was really, really good. 

But Adam worried about the way he loved Ronan. He already knew that he loved Ronan in the same way that he loved his friends, but he worried that he wouldn’t know the difference between loving Ronan and being in love with Ronan. That he would never know when to tell Ronan that he loved him because he wouldn’t know how he loved him. 

Adam knew that Ronan loved him. He hadn't said it yet, but he knew. He wasn’t sure what was holding him back, but Adam was mostly relieved he hadn't said it yet. What was he supposed to say if he didn't even know how he loved Ronan? He didn't want to say it back if he didn't know, but he didn't want to not say it.  
On the other hand, Adam thought maybe that’s exactly when he would know. He expected that some sort of grand gesture from Ronan would give him a sort of clarity on the matter. Like, if Ronan did tell Adam he loved him, there would suddenly no longer be a doubt in his mind. Of course he was in love with Ronan; how could he have been unaware of that until now? 

What Adam hadn't been expecting was the realization to come to him in the most mundane scenario. Or, more like a series of mundane scenarios.

#### The Moment Where You Think You Know It

There was a knock on the door of Adam’s small room above St. Agnes. He found himself spending less and less time here these days, but he was still paying rent, so he made sure to make it worth all that money. But the truth was that he slept a lot better on the nights he found himself at the Barns. 

Adam had not been expecting anyone to stop by, and it wasn’t like it was late but it was much later for anyone other than his friends to be here. And Gansey hadn't called to say he was coming over, which meant there was likely only one person that it could be. At this possibility, Adam smiled to himself as he crossed the cramped room. 

Sure enough, Adam opened the door to Ronan standing on the other side wearing a smug grin. 

“Parrish,” Ronan said. Before they’d started dating, Ronan had said Adam’s name the same way he said every other word; with wild contempt, sugarcoated with malice. Now he said it like he had a secret for only Adam to hear. _Parrish._

“Ronan,” Adam said. He couldn’t suppress the smile. “What are you doing here?” 

Ronan shrugged. “I was in the neighborhood.” Adam knew for a fact that this was not true. He had only left the Barns himself 20 minutes ago, leaving Ronan behind for the night. Or he’d thought that’s what he was doing, anyways. Not that he was annoyed by this unexpected drop-in. 

“Right,” Adam said. “What are you actually doing here, Ronan?” 

Ronan’s smile was fiendish, and it was crazy to Adam how much differently he interpreted that smile now than he had before. Ronan stepped away from the doorframe and outstretched his arm.  
“You left this thing at my place.” It was a World History textbook that Adam hadn't realized was missing until now. He took it from Ronan. 

“Thanks,” He said. “You know, it’s a Friday night. You didn't have to come all this way; I could have gotten it from you tomorrow.” 

“Yeah. You could have,” Ronan’s gaze trailed across the room before they landed on Adam. “But this way I get to see you now.” 

Adam saw the way the tips of Ronan’s ears reddened. They had both gotten comfortable with each other in ways neither of them had expected, but sometimes to be so emotionally direct caught them both off guard. Especially Ronan when it came to saying things like what he’d just said. 

And then Adam felt a flutter of...something. It was unfamiliar and it was as gone as quickly as it had arrived, but he was unable to deny its short-lived presence. He was not unfamiliar with the way Ronan’s words and gestures often made his heart beat a little quicker, or the way his face flushed just like Ronan’s had. But this feeling, Adam couldn’t put a name to it. 

Actually, Adam thought he might be able to put a name to it. If he pondered it a little bit longer and connected the dots, he may have had some idea. But right now Ronan was staring at him from the doorway which he had not yet stepped through. His head was tilted and he was smiling with a vulnerable look that he saved for when it was just him and Adam. 

Adam suddenly felt he couldn’t handle one more second of Ronan on the other side of the door. He propped the door open a little wider and stepped to the side. “Well, since you came all this way-”

“I told you, I was in the neighborhood.” Ronan said. 

Adam grinned. “Uh huh. Did you want to come in?” He did. Adam closed the door behind him. As Ronan walked past into the apartment, he stopped briefly to kiss Adam. 

Ronan made his way across the room and threw himself down onto the bed. He stretched out, making himself comfortable, and draped a hand over his eyes. Adam watched, still lingering by the doorway and Ronan’s kiss lingering on his mouth. And he was struck again by how Ronan seemed to be so in place here. Here in this room, here with Adam, here on Adam’s bed. Even Adam, who had never felt like this was a place to call home, felt like he belonged when Ronan entered the room. 

Adam felt it again, but he said nothing and joined Ronan on the unmade bed. Ronan instantly shifted so there was room for Adam next to him. Everything about this process - legs sliding between legs, arms wrapping each other up, Adam finding his place in the crook of Ronan’s neck - was natural. There was no awkward shifting to get more comfortable and nothing felt like it didn't belong. It all came easy. And Adam wondered, with his eyes closed and the feeling of Ronan’s steady breath on his skin, if this thing that he was feeling...if it might not be the difference between the ways he loved Ronan.

#### The Moment You Think You Know It

Adam was working late. Again. Since summer had begun and with college looming nearby, he had taken as many hours as he could, no matter how tired he was when he got home. At least school was over, so work was the only thing he had to worry about. For now. For now, though, he had finished everything he needed to and was just inspecting his work.

It was already dark out, and given the time of year, that meant he had stayed longer than he’d meant to. But when he was alone in the shop and was focused on the matter at hand, he often found he lost track of time. It was easy to get lost in thought when the work he was doing was so effortless. It was like that tonight. 

Adam was about to lower the hood of the very old car he was working on when he heard a loud crash from outside. Because old habits died hard, Adam jumped at the sudden noise. But because he knew better now, he quickly regained his composure and willed his racing heart to do the same. 

The disruption was followed by the scraping of something against the side of the building as well as the clattering of what Adam could only assume was the garbage cans near the entrance. Adam lowered the hood, but he paid no mind to the commotion. 

“You know,” Adam said aloud. “That isn’t so effective after the fifth time.” 

It was quiet for a second, and then Ronan appeared in the doorway, illuminated by the dim light. He stepped forward and stopped at the car’s bumper. Adam grabbed a rag from the workbench behind him and watched Ronan. 

“I wasn’t trying to do anything,” Ronan said. Although the malevolent grin suggested otherwise. He never actually wanted to scare Adam; it was more his way of teasing him for the first time he’d unexpectedly appeared at the garage with one of his dream creatures. Adam had been scared that time. “I was just alerting you that I was here.” 

Adam smirked. “Most people usually go with a simple greeting, like ‘hello.’”

Ronan continued smiling even as he met Adam at the hood of the car, and even when he tilted Adam’s face up with his finger, and Adam could still feel the ghost of a smile as they kissed. He instinctively wrapped an arm around Ronan before remembering his hands were covered in grease. He pulled both his hand and mouth away from Ronan. 

“Oh,” He looked at the spot on Ronan’s light grey shirt where his hand had been, indicated by a dark smudge just above his hip. “Sorry.” 

Ronan shrugged and closed the short distance Adam had put between them. Adam kept his hands to himself when Ronan kissed him again, but he knew it wouldn’t have mattered either way. 

“Worth it,” Ronan muttered, just a breath away from Adam. Adam could hear his heart beating. Or maybe it was Ronan’s; it was hard to tell when they stood this close. 

Adam quickly turned away from Ronan, certain that if he didn't, he would forget he still had a mess to clean up. 

“I thought you were with Gansey.” Adam said, trying not to reveal how worked up he’d gotten or the way his voice faltered a little. He wiped down the table, but it wasn’t so much cleaning as it was smearing the mess. He was too distracted to care.

“I was,” Ronan said. Adam could hear the smug look on his face. He didn't need to see it; he knew it was there. “But then he ditched me for Sargent. So I thought I would come keep you company instead.” 

“Keep me company or distract me?” Adam faced Ronan again. Really, there wasn’t much to distract him from. All he had to do was put a few things away and then lock up, but his point remained. 

A slow grin spread across Ronan’s face. “I guess I thought you might like someone to walk you to your car. Lotta weirdos on the streets at this time.” 

“Yeah,” Adam agreed. He started putting stuff away, wanting to be done with work as soon as he could be. “Lotta weird dudes trying to scare their boyfriends at this time.” He glanced up at Ronan who was still smiling, but this time it was accompanied by reddened cheeks. 

It was surprisingly easy to make Ronan blush; something Adam had picked up on in the early stages of their relationship. It was as if Ronan still couldn’t believe he and Adam were dating. Sometimes Adam couldn’t believe it, either. 

“Just give me a few minutes,” Adam said. “And then I will let you walk me to my car.” 

He worked as quickly as he could to clean up and put everything away, but it still took too long. He wanted to be done. He wanted to spend every second with Ronan. He wanted to take the short walk around the back of the garage and soak up as much time as he could with Ronan. 

Adam flicked off the lights and lowered the door with both him and Ronan on the other side. It was chillier than Adam expected; colder than it usually was at this time of year. He turned to Ronan, ready to say ‘okay let’s get out of here,’ and found Ronan’s hand outstretched to him. Adam smiled and took it, lacing their fingers together. He immediately felt warmer. 

They walked slowly around the building. Not saying anything; not needing to say anything. They stood close enough together that every once in a while their shoulders would bump into each other, and every time they did Adam felt a little steadier. And a little less stable at the same time. He gripped Ronan’s hand tighter.  
Despite how slowly they had walked, it did not take them long to round the corner and find themselves at their respective cars. Parked next to Ronans’ BMW, Adam’s own car looked significantly less impressive. Some people might say that about Ronan and Adam, themselves, but those were people who didn't know anything about Ronan and Adam. 

They stopped in front of Adam’s car, hands still linked only now they were facing each other. Ronan propped himself against the hood which shrank him just slightly, putting the two of them at eye level. Ronan put his hand that was not holding Adam’s onto Adam’s hip. Adam wasn’t sure if he’d leaned in or if Ronan had pulled him in, but how he’d gotten there didn't matter much. What mattered was Ronan’s mouth, warm and familiar on his, and the knowledge that often came as delightful shock that this was his. These moments - these stolen kisses and surprise visits and savoring time together - they were his. His and Ronan’s and no one else’s. 

When Adam pulled away, Ronan took a moment before he opened his eyes. He looked pensive. Wistful; like he’d just woken up from a really good dream. Of course, that was not a description aptly suited to someone like Ronan. Adam had seen Ronan’s dreams, and none of them ever made him look like this. Doe-eyed. Adam had gotten used to a lot of things as he figured his way through a relationship with Ronan Lynch, but he wasn’t sure he would ever get used to the way Ronan looked at him. 

“Are you gonna come over tonight?” Ronan asked. Adam needed to take a second to process what Ronan had said; he’d gotten so caught up in the intricacy of all this that he hadn't expected either of them to speak. 

“I think I’ll go home tonight,” Adam said. Of course it never really felt much like home when Ronan wasn’t there, but that was the easiest way to answer. 

Ronan nodded, unfazed. “Okay. See you tomorrow, though, right?” 

“Absolutely,” Adam said. Ronan pushed himself off the car, subsequently nudging Adam back as well. “Thanks for walking me to my car. You know, protecting me from all the weirdos still out at this time.” 

Ronan grinned. “Anything for you, Parrish.” 

And even though his tone was lighthearted, his words were sincere. Adam knew that they were. Ronan would do anything for Adam, and it wasn’t charity or pity; it was love. And Adam felt it again. That awareness that something was different about the way Adam loved Ronan. That this may be the distinction between the way he loved Ronan. That this was what it felt like to be in love with Ronan. 

“Goodnight, Adam.” Ronan kissed him once more. He got into his car, and Adam got into his car, too. Ronan drove away, and Adam drove away, too, except they drove off in opposite directions. And he kept casting ardent glances at his rearview mirror until Ronan’s car disappeared from sight. 

Only then did he let himself think, _How will I know when I am in love with Ronan?_ Only, he didn't really need to ask himself this question. He was almost positive he knew the answer, and he was almost positive the answer was applicable: _I'll know when no other words are capable of describing the way he makes me feel. _

Adam found himself to be speechless and his thoughts incoherent. As he often was when it came to Ronan. He kept driving.

#### The Moment You Know It But Can’t Yet Say It

“I’ll be back in about an hour,” Ronan said over the phone. He had to speak up to be heard over his car’s engine, but Adam still had a hard time processing what he was saying. “And I’m starving. Do you wanna meet me at that crap diner near the highway?” 

“Sure,” Adam said. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah, see you soon.” There was more that Ronan wanted to say and Adam could hear that in the silence, but Ronan didn't say it. Or maybe he did, but the sound of the engine drowned it out. Maybe that was the point. “Bye, Adam.” He hung up and Adam did, too. 

Ronan had only been out of town for a couple of days, but already Adam had felt himself growing restless. He hung out with Blue and Gansey, and he went to the Barns to check up on everything, and he went to work. But there was a piece missing without Ronan there and it put him in a disquieting state. He didn't care much for it. And on top of that, it made him wonder how he would be able to take college when they were apart for weeks or maybe months on end; he cared for that even less. If he couldn’t even properly deal with Ronan leaving for a two day trip to DC, how would he handle being so far apart at college? But he didn't want to think about that right now. Right now, he wanted to think about the fact that in only an hour he would be seeing Ronan again. And he was beyond excited about that. 

The next hour passed by frightfully slow. Adam was no stranger to time’s inconsistency, but when it delayed his reunion with Ronan, it did nothing but frustrate him. 

50 minutes after Ronan had called him, Adam hurried out of his St. Agnes apartment and made his way to their agreed upon meeting place. Normally they would just meet at Nino’s like they usually did, but just in case Blue and Gansey were there, they wanted to go somewhere with just the two of them. Neither of them had said this, but Adam knew that was why Ronan had suggested this place instead. 

Ronan’s BMW was not in the parking lot when Adam pulled in. It was not hard to tell as there were only three other cars in the parking lot, and they were all closer in comparison to Adam’s car than Ronan’s. Adam parked far away from the other cars and waited. He mindlessly drummed his fingers against the steering wheel. He listened to the mixtape Ronan had made him all those months ago. He wondered why, for all those speeding tickets Ronan had acquired, he could not speed this one time. Of course, he probably was. What he had told Adam would take him an hour would probably take the average person closer to two. Adam waited. 

Then, 67 minutes after Ronan had called him, Adam saw Ronan’s car exit the highway and pull into the nearly desolate parking lot. Adam perked up. He clambered out of the car, trying not to trip himself in his excitement. 

Ronan swerved into the spot next to Adam and was out of his car quicker than he’d appeared and made his way to Adam, who was already halfway there. They crashed into each other, arms already looped around one another, and held on as tight as they could. 

“Missed you,” Ronan said. His words were muffled as his face was buried in Adam’s neck, but Adam got the sentiment. He tightened his grip. 

“I missed you, too.” And it was only two days, but God had he. He’d gotten so used to Ronan being there. In the mornings, in the evenings, during the day. Two days had been substantial. 

They let go of each other but their hands found their way together. Together, they walked inside and were led to a table far away from any of the few patrons. As soon as they sat down, Ronan launched into a story from his trip. Something about Matthew, and something about Matthew doing average teenage things, and something about Declan blowing Matthew’s average teenage things out of proportion. None of this was uncommon, and Adam savored every detail of Ronan telling this story. 

When he finished, Ronan looked up at Adam. He looked thoughtful. He looked like he just remembered something he wanted to say but didn't know how to say it. He opened his mouth; he closed it. He shook his head; he smiled. For a second, Adam was lost in how very Ronan all of this was, and yet very unlike the Ronan Adam thought he had known a year ago. This was Ronan at his most truthful, even if he was holding back. It was okay; Adam knew what he was thinking anyways. 

_I love you._

It’s what Ronan was thinking and it was, Adam now realized, what he was thinking, too. 

How he had realized it, he wasn’t sure, and what had changed to make him realize this, he wasn’t sure. But he was sure of it now. Looking at Ronan, watching him drown his coffee with cream and sugar, he wondered how he’d been so unsure of it before. 

Adam was in love with Ronan, and this felt so much different than it ever had when they were only friends. He couldn’t believe he’d ever been afraid of being unable to tell the difference. 

This was incomparable to anything Adam had ever felt before, and it hurt in the most inconceivable, beautiful way. It was a hurt that could only be reconciled by the fact that Adam knew this was the same way Ronan felt. Knowing Ronan was sitting across the table from him right now, perhaps thinking something very similar, it was what made this realization profoundly incredible. 

“Ronan,” Adam said. He hadn't meant to say that, actually. He’d meant to sit on this new discovery a little bit longer, maybe process the fact that he was in love with Ronan for a little bit longer. But all he’d really been able to think about was _Ronan,_ and he’d been so caught up in this that it made sense that he accidentally said his name out loud. 

Ronan looked up at him from across the table and Adam’s chest felt tight. Sometimes looking at Ronan felt like that; like he couldn’t breathe. Like he’d run out of air and his heart and lungs needed to catch up. 

“Yeah?” Ronan asked. And he said it in the same way he always said stuff to Adam: like he wanted to know exactly what Adam was going to say next. Sometimes Adam still got overwhelmed by the fact that this was true. Sometimes he didn't think he deserved it, but more often than not, he knew that he did. 

“Are you going to hoard all of the cream?” It almost felt like he could have said it. He wanted to say it, but was this the right place for that? A slightly grubby diner over tepid coffee and a distasteful rap song over a radio with poor signal? Was that where Adam wanted to tell Ronan he loved him for the first time? 

In his heart, Adam knew that wasn’t the issue. At the risk of sounding cliche, the time and place never really mattered, as long as he was with Ronan. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it; not yet. He needed to live with this knowledge on his own for a little while, first. 

Ronan smirked and picked up one of the packets of cream before gently chucking it at Adam. On any other day, Adam probably would have seen this coming and either caught it or swatted it away. But to be fair to Adam, he was a little distracted right now. 

Which meant the cream hit him square on the forehead, sending Ronan into uproarious laughter. Adam smiled because he was too disoriented to do anything else. The way Ronan’s eyes lit up with his laughter didn't help. 

Adam didn't have the words for Ronan right now. From under the table, he nudged Ronan’s foot with his own and Ronan nudged back. Ronan’s wide, toothy grin melted into a dopey smile, which in turn melted any remaining sensical thought Adam may have had. 

With their feet and legs tangled under the table, they watched each other from either side. Adam wrapped his fingers around his coffee mug and hoped he could keep himself together for long enough that he wouldn’t spill. It was a task. 

Adam didn't say much for the rest of the evening; he didn't really trust himself to. Ronan filled some of the silence with anecdotes from his weekend, but most of the silence remained as it was. And that was okay. 

It was okay that Adam hadn't said it tonight. He wasn’t afraid - not really. He was in unfamiliar territory and needed time to sort through what this meant. He needed time to figure it all out. 

Adam looked up at Ronan to find Ronan was already looking at him. Once upon a time, when Adam caught Ronan looking at him, Ronan looked away. He didn't do that anymore. He didn't need to. Adam smiled; Ronan did, too. Right now it felt like all they had was time.

#### The Moment You Know It & Can’t Hold it in Any Longer

Adam woke up alone in his bed. Actually - this wasn’t his bed. This was Ronan’s bed, but he’d been spending so many nights at The Barns lately that it was starting to feel like it was his bed, too. And nights that he was alone at St. Agnes felt like he was sleeping at a stranger’s. It was better when Ronan was there with him, and even better when he was here with Ronan. 

Ronan wasn’t in bed right now, though, and Adam’s desire to find him ended up winning out over his desire to get a few extra minutes of sleep. He dragged himself out of bed and threw on a shirt, which he realized after putting on was Ronan’s, and made his way to the kitchen where he imagined Ronan would be. 

He assumed correctly. Ronan had his back to him and was filling a large mug with coffee. There was a second, slightly smaller mug, already on the counter that also clearly had coffee in it based on the rising steam. Ronan was whistling some cheery tune that Adam vaguely recognized and drumming his unoccupied fingers against the counter to the same beat. He was also, Adam realized, wearing the shirt that Adam had been wearing yesterday. Which explained why the discarded shirt Adam had found was Ronan’s and not his own. 

From the doorway, Adam smiled to himself and his heart lurched pleasantly. This - everything about this - was such a wonderful way to wake up and Adam was having a hard time believing that it was real and that it was his. He got to wake up in the morning feeling like he was at home, where his boyfriend was making coffee and whistling cheerily while wearing a shirt that belonged to Adam. He got to wake up feeling happy. That was something he got to do a lot these days, and he still had a hard time wrapping his head around that. 

Ronan turned around then, and his face lit up when he noticed Adam standing there. “Morning, creep.” Ronan said. “Were you ever going to say anything, or were you just planning on silently watching me for a while?” 

Adam shrugged. “I hadn't decided yet.” Ronan smiled, a lovely lopsided thing. “You’re wearing my shirt.” Adam said. 

“Mhm, and you’re wearing mine.” 

“Only because you stole mine.” 

“Well, I’m pretty sure you have a small collection of shirts here by now.” 

“Right, but this one was nearby. Easier than searching for my own.” 

“Mhm.” Ronan said. They were both grinning. How easy it was to innocently tease each other like this. How wonderful it was to wake up to something so pleasant. Adam didn't know he had this much room in his heart for so much warmth. 

Adam decided that there was too much distance between him and Ronan and joined him at the counter. Ronan slid one of the full mugs to Adam and leaned into kiss him as he did so. 

They both grabbed their respective mugs when they pulled away and Adam took a sip. His mouth was hot; he wasn’t sure if that was from the coffee or Ronan’s mouth on his only a second ago. 

This was his life. Standing in the kitchen on a Sunday morning, drinking coffee that his boyfriend made for him, wearing each other’s clothes, nothing to do all day. How had that happened? And could he stay like this forever? 

Adam set down his mug and looked at Ronan, hoping to ground his thoughts. Hoping that by doing so, he would remain tethered to reality. But he should have known that wouldn’t work, because Ronan himself was so inconceivable that sometimes Adam couldn’t believe Ronan was real, let alone their relationship. 

But he was, and so were they. And Adam didn't know what he did to deserve the kind of love and happiness he thought he’d never be worthy of, but he had it. And he didn't want to keep that to himself any longer.

“Ronan.” Ronan looked at Adam, and somehow that silenced every nerve in his body. He didn't know why he’d been so nervous about this before; this was the easiest thing he’d ever done.

“Yeah?” 

“I love you.” 

There was no hesitation; no faltering. No backing out at the last second and asking for cream, instead. He said it, he couldn’t take it back, and he had never been more sure of anything in his life. 

Ronan set down his own mug. A little too quickly, and a little too hard so some of it splashed over the brim. A very small, much quieter part of Adam that had once been very loud told him to be afraid. It told him to back away from this loud, aggressive action; to protect himself. 

But Adam paid it no mind, because he knew better. This hadn't been aggression; it was shock, and that was evident by the look on Ronan’s face. Adam had never seen this look on Ronan’s face before. His eyes widened and appeared timid. He blinked a few times, and he opened his mouth but didn't say anything. He exhaled. Even though it took awhile for him to reply, Adam did not feel the need to panic. 

Finally, “You do?” Ronan said it carefully, like maybe he thought he’d heard Adam wrong. Or he was afraid he hadn't really meant it. 

Adam smiled softly. “Yeah,” He said. “I do.” 

Ronan’s expression shifted from the daze he seemed to be in, to something that mirrored what Adam was feeling. He smiled, and it felt to Adam like this was the most vulnerable he’d ever seen Ronan. 

“I love you, too.” 

Even though Adam didn't doubt that Ronan would say it back, it was a whole other thing to actually hear him say it. To know for sure, with a proclamation, that Ronan did in fact love him, too. That they loved each other. 

They both looked at each other. They both laughed, because they both found the situation terribly unbelievable and wonderful. Adam thought it fitting, though, that even a moment as pivotal and emotionally vulnerable as this one, they could still be completely themselves. 

Ronan grabbed ahold of Adam’s face and kissed him. Adam kissed him back, his hands around his waist. Ronan tasted like coffee and Adam was sure he probably did, too. It didn't matter, though. Nothing did except the two of them and the fact that they loved each other. They loved each other, and now they both knew it for sure, without a doubt. 

Even that little voice that sometimes - very rarely these days, but still occasionally popped up - told Adam that this was too good to be true, that he didn't deserve this, was silent. Because Adam knew that he did deserve this. 

Adam knew that he deserved to have this kind of love. To have someone love him so much that they kissed him this hard before he’d brushed his teeth and when his breath tasted like coffee. To have someone love him so much that they held onto him so tight, like they never wanted to let go of him. To have someone love him so much that they drove out of their way, and stopped by while he was working, and met him at crummy diners just because they wanted to see him so badly. Adam deserved to be loved like that. He deserved to have Ronan love him as much as he did, and he deserved to love Ronan as much as he did. 

And God, he did. He loved Ronan more than he thought he was capable of. He loved Ronan so much that he forgot how worried he’d once been about falling in love with him. That he once thought he would never be able to tell the difference, and that he wasn’t sure he would ever know how he loved Ronan. 

He loved Ronan like this: Passionately and endlessly. With an ache in his chest that never went away until they were side by side. With an ache in his side from laughing so hard at some dumb joke Ronan made. He loved him with his entire heart on fire. On Sunday mornings in each other’s t-shirts, and Friday nights hand-in-hand. He loved him in the way that St. Agnes didn't feel like home unless Ronan was there, and The Barns felt like home even when Ronan was gone. 

Adam loved the way that this made more sense than anything else ever had. This was easy even when things were difficult, and it was the one thing that mattered more than anything. It wasn’t what Adam expected at all, and he was so grateful for that. This was what it was to be loved by Ronan and what it was to be in love with Ronan, and Adam had never been more sure of anything in his life.


End file.
